Motivation...

I have been lacking serious motivation to do much of anything.  By the time I come home from work, which my days have been extended lately by overtime, I am exhausted.  I barely have the motivation or energy to cook dinner, let alone spend quality time with my children, take an evening stroll or just enjoy much of anything.  Most days I am just so tired and emotionally drained I want to take a shower, put on my jammies and go to bed.  I can not find the time to exercise, which is such a great stress reliever.  I can not find the energy to maintain my house the way that I want it which is saying quite a bit.  I seem to be missing the opportunities to snuggle my kids and take in their little moments.    I realized this just this week.  Trav and I discussed it this past weekend.  

I really need to focus my energy when I am home on what is important.  I find myself needing to purge my day with Trav almost as soon as I get home.  The details of my day...the sadness, the grief, the disbelief and the bullshit.  I typically feel better after that.  Then, I need to better channel my time and energy onto my kids, my husband, my stress level and just finding a way to maintain my happiness.   I would hate to think that I look back on this year and remember how often I fell asleep early on the couch or how I missed out on all the little moments that will make this year so great because I was just tired.  

I remind myself constantly that this current situation is just temporary.  Soon I will be unemployed, we will be moving and our lives will change again.  I am really trying to focus on the positives of this job.  The MONEY!  I hate to admit it but honestly I work for the extra money.  I get satisfaction out of watching our accounts grow and even greater satisfaction out of putting money towards our wonderful family vacations.  This opportunity will be gone soon and I know that we have the chance to make great strides this year with our financial goals.  If it were not for that simple fact, I would not continue on with this job.

The time away from my family, the stress and the exhaustion are truly not worth it.  This temporary opportunity is all about the financial gain.  I do look forward to peaceful days at home, cooking great meals, baked goods and intricate recipes.  Being able to take more pictures (my favorite hobby).  I look forward to cleaning and grocery shopping during the week and spending the weekends with my family not worrying about whether the toilets get cleaned, the laundry is done or the groceries bought.  Get back to reading more books, running 4-5 days a week and taking my dogs for routine walks.  I crave slower days, with less stress and the motivation needed to take care of my home, my children and my husband the way that I want.  

With that said, my Trav took the kids and I out to a remote beach to enjoy a sunset and fire.  It was nothing crazy, just simple family time.  No cell service, no one else was around and we laughed and enjoyed each other.  The simple pleasures that I feel like I have been craving lately.  I realize how important it is to find a strong balance between who I have to be at work and who I need to be at home.  Its a work in progress for me.  I have to manage my stress, maintain my motivation and not let my choice to work interfere with my need to be a very strong wife and mother.