Motivation...

I have been lacking serious motivation to do much of anything.  By the time I come home from work, which my days have been extended lately by overtime, I am exhausted.  I barely have the motivation or energy to cook dinner, let alone spend quality time with my children, take an evening stroll or just enjoy much of anything.  Most days I am just so tired and emotionally drained I want to take a shower, put on my jammies and go to bed.  I can not find the time to exercise, which is such a great stress reliever.  I can not find the energy to maintain my house the way that I want it which is saying quite a bit.  I seem to be missing the opportunities to snuggle my kids and take in their little moments.    I realized this just this week.  Trav and I discussed it this past weekend.  

I really need to focus my energy when I am home on what is important.  I find myself needing to purge my day with Trav almost as soon as I get home.  The details of my day...the sadness, the grief, the disbelief and the bullshit.  I typically feel better after that.  Then, I need to better channel my time and energy onto my kids, my husband, my stress level and just finding a way to maintain my happiness.   I would hate to think that I look back on this year and remember how often I fell asleep early on the couch or how I missed out on all the little moments that will make this year so great because I was just tired.  

I remind myself constantly that this current situation is just temporary.  Soon I will be unemployed, we will be moving and our lives will change again.  I am really trying to focus on the positives of this job.  The MONEY!  I hate to admit it but honestly I work for the extra money.  I get satisfaction out of watching our accounts grow and even greater satisfaction out of putting money towards our wonderful family vacations.  This opportunity will be gone soon and I know that we have the chance to make great strides this year with our financial goals.  If it were not for that simple fact, I would not continue on with this job.

The time away from my family, the stress and the exhaustion are truly not worth it.  This temporary opportunity is all about the financial gain.  I do look forward to peaceful days at home, cooking great meals, baked goods and intricate recipes.  Being able to take more pictures (my favorite hobby).  I look forward to cleaning and grocery shopping during the week and spending the weekends with my family not worrying about whether the toilets get cleaned, the laundry is done or the groceries bought.  Get back to reading more books, running 4-5 days a week and taking my dogs for routine walks.  I crave slower days, with less stress and the motivation needed to take care of my home, my children and my husband the way that I want.  

With that said, my Trav took the kids and I out to a remote beach to enjoy a sunset and fire.  It was nothing crazy, just simple family time.  No cell service, no one else was around and we laughed and enjoyed each other.  The simple pleasures that I feel like I have been craving lately.  I realize how important it is to find a strong balance between who I have to be at work and who I need to be at home.  Its a work in progress for me.  I have to manage my stress, maintain my motivation and not let my choice to work interfere with my need to be a very strong wife and mother.

I'm just going to vent, bitch and whine...

I tend to try and keep this place peaceful and calm.  This is my place to put my thoughts down and keep them permanent.  I try not to bring to much negativity to this place.  But....since this in my place and its where I put my thoughts down I need to get a few frustrations off my chest.  Some day they will seem trivial but for now, I'm letting them go here!

I feel obligated to give my annual, "What the HELL are we doing here" post.  This time of year is difficult for me.  I have the annual blues that come with the darkness and rain.  I battle it every year.  This time of year I always question why we live here, how I agreed to this place and this year I even added in the question of "why did we opt to extend"???  Its a hard time of year.  Other places seem either warm with sun or white with snow.  We are in the dark and gloomy or desolate and despair category.  There are no restaurants open, there are not stores to shop at, there is almost no sunshine ever and the damn weather just rains and rains and rains.  I mean like for 3 weeks straight ever day without stopping rain.  This week the sun did shine and I was grateful.  I was starting to find myself crying in the shower, getting emotional over commercials and screaming at my kids for stupid stuff.  I attribute it to the weather.  No matter how many milligrams of Vitamin D you pop in your mouth, when you are deprived of natural sunlight you start to get a little crazy.  I was there!!!  The sun came out just in time and we have been out everyday.  We choose not to wear sunglasses so that the Vitamin D can soak into our eyeballs (#truth) and we tend to just walk and wander as to be outside as much as we can during the hours of daylight we have.  I know that this will pass.  In a few months I will love it here, be grateful for each day and remind myself that our time here is limited.  We will capitalize on endless summer days.  This is what I tell myself is coming, summer...vacations...gorgeous days....Its just really mentally difficult right now.  Did I forget to mention I booked a Maui vacation.  THAT will definitely help!

I have followed the journey of one certain little girl for the past few months.  Her name is Kylie. Click here!  I do not typically follow pages like this one Facebook.  Actually I never do.   For some reason, I stumbled upon her page haphazardly and also her mothers instagram account that was dedicated to her fight against pediatric cancer.  Progressively she got sicker and sicker.  Her fight became harder and harder.  She passed away this past weekend just two months short of her 3rd birthday.  There is no way to say it, I am just so sad and so pissed for her and her family.  It's just not fair.  She didn't deserve the little hand that she was dealt and honestly my faith in everything is completely rocked when I hear stories like this.  I mean honestly, what is the point in allowing a gorgeous child the enter this world and then allowing her short life to be filled with pain, suffering and anguish.  I cried on Saturday when her mother announced she had passed away.  I have thought about her and her family every day lately.  I knew she was dying and I followed her mom as she kept her followers and supporters informed.  I'm bitter for Kylie.  I'm bitter for her mother Bree and her daddy.  Clearly her mother is so much better then me.  She has been gracious and stoic through this battle.  She smiled, she laughed and she took care of her sick baby girl with every fiber of her being.  My heart just aches for this family who has lost their baby girl to such an ugly unrelenting thing like cancer.  I think of my own children and the anguish I would feel over the same lose.  Kylie was beautiful and I hope that wherever her soul is she is at peace.  She is owed that much.  Rest sweetly baby girl.    

Speaking of Facebook, I wish I had the ability and strength to delete my account.  Facebook is like a train wreck that you just can't not look at.  My only hesitation in not deleting our account is that I am pretty sure if I did we would never see pictures of our family and I would never hear from people who we care about.  Lets be honest, Facebook makes communication easy.  Especially for people who are busy with children, work, lives and the daily grind.  I sympathize!   We are a family with two working parents, two active kids who live thousands of miles from the closest relative.  I TOTALLY GET IT!! I just wish I could wash my hands of it.  I typically don't post stuff and probably 75% of the stuff on my feed is junk.  I'm just not quite there yet, not ready to sever the ties.  Maybe some day, I just value the 25% of joy I get out of Facebook way to much.  

TEENAGERS....mine, yours, theirs!  ALL OF THEM.  Their daily grind seems exhausting to me.  We sit down almost every night with our kids at the dinner table.  My teenager usually fills us in on the what nots of school and life for a 12-13 year old.  Good Grief!  I don't know how they survive.  I'm pretty sure middle school would eat me alive.  Not to mention the fact that they have social media and I would be waving the white flag.  The last thing I say to my son as he exits my vehicle ever single morning when I drop him off at school plays out like this.  "I love you honey!  Work Hard!  Stay out of the...."  and he yells back "DRAMA"!!  Middle school seems like one big cess pool of drama.  God bless those teachers and who ever else works in that building.  I will take my criminals and dysfunctional families any day of the week over those hormonal minions.  

My dog ate his own poop today in the driveway.  The only thing I could do besides yell at him and scold him was to stand in the driveway and wait for Trav to get home so I could tell him of the incident and avoid the dog giving him a big mouth kiss.  

Well, I guess I feel better.  

Sort of....This makes me happy though.

My babes in 2012 eating gourmet cupcakes at a Starbucks.  Look at their faces and look at those amazing cupcakes.  

***It is sad to say but I feel like I would cut off a finger to sit in a Starbucks right now. Quietly in a back corner, in a cozy chair and admire the typical Starbucks decor, listening to quietly playing acoustic music and sip a coffee that makes me feel overly educated, like a conocire of beans, people watching. I might even bring a book because that's what people do, but honestly I won't be reading it. I will just be in awe of the fact that I'm in a Starbucks.  Don't even get me started on gourmet cupcakes. I not at liberty to divulge what I would do for one of those.