My Absence and Life...

Clearly I have been absent from the blog.  Life has been very overwhelming and there just are not enough hours in the day so when something has to give, the blog is one of those somethings.  

Working full time and my position at work has me emotionally drained to be quite honest.  I never anticipated the emotional exhaustion and empathy fatigue I would face day in and day out with each and every court case.  I never took into account the kind of information I would take in each day that I sit in court and listen to cases of domestic violence, sexual assault and physical abuse just to name a few.  I leave work some days so drained I feel like I barely have enough left in me to give quality time to my family.  I have worked for the court system for over two years, but when the courtroom door closes and you are not in there, you truly have no idea what is being said.  I have really been trying to compartmentalize the words, emotions and actions that happen in the courtroom.  I have really been working on keeping my own emotions in check and come home to enjoy my family and the beautiful things in my life that are so drastically different from the horribleness that the court deals with daily.  It is a work in progress but I am hoping that I can be better at not carrying with me all of the sadness that some in society have to deal with.  

And if I am going to be completely honest, I miss my former life when I was a part time stay at home mom and a part time court clerk.  I miss going to the grocery store on a quiet Tuesday afternoon. Clearly the weekends are when every other working mother battles the crowds and prays to god that all the milk hasn't been sold out during the week.   I miss having the drive and ambition to makes my children's lunch, I miss welcoming my man home with a cold beer and I miss my house being the clean, cozy sanctuary it always was.  Right now life just feels chaotic and crazy.  I sympathize with those moms who have always had to live the daily grind and never had the option to be at home with their babies.  I am missing my former self more and more and evaluating whether all the extra money is worth all the shit I feel like I am dredging through.  I contemplated hiring a housekeeper but to be honest, that just seems absurd for me.  I am not crazy about another person coming into my home, I am capable and she wouldn't fold the bath towels the way I want them anyways.  I pray daily that a laundry fairy is going to show up and wash the clothes so I don't have to but those little fairies are busy with the changing of the seasons or something more glamorous.  I have been meaning to make an appointment to get my yearly physical and have the tendentious in my hands looked at but seriously when does a gal have time when she is running out of work at 5pm to race to gymnastics to pick up my girl or to the pool to pick up my son and get home to cook dinner so we aren't eating at 7:30pm.  WTF is really going on here???  I mean really???  Thank god for wine, pajamas, warm hugs and the new music from Sam Smith!!  

The kids are very busy.  Travi is preparing for a trip to Juneau to compete in Southeast Championships the first week of December.  He is currently swimming 5 days a week and doing amazing in school.  His organizational skills are a work in progress but Trav and I are confident by the time he is 25 years old he will be able to get his shit together when it comes to order vs. chaos.  Maybe not, but somehow he manages to keep things moving forward with a little help from his mom and dad.

Taylor is about to wrap up her first session of gymnastics and to say she is doing well would be a huge understatement.  Her coach has approached us about moving her up quite a few levels where she will finally be challenged and learning more then just the basics.  We are anxious for her to really starting mastering her back handsprings and other moves.  She is so dedicated and I love watching her practice. She has finally found her "something' that she loves and is really, really good at.  

As for my Trav he is still just as amazing as always.  He leaves us in the morning for just about the rest of the month.  I loathe when he is not with me.  I have said many times on this blog that I am just half as good when he is away. He really is my rock.  I am never reminded of that more then when he is gone and I am here, alone and trying to tread water in his absence.  I am very nervous this time about him being gone because I rely on him so heavily to help me juggle the kids schedule while I am at work.  Not to mention every time he leaves, someone in my family dies (I'm not kidding), a kid gets head lice, I become ill, a car has mechanical failure, Mother Nature punishes us with weather or any combination of those.  So for anyone in my family, keep your head on a swivel, take your required medications and try not to leave your houses.  In all seriousness, Trav keeps me grounded and is such a positive ray of light when I need that at the end of a long day at work.  It will take everything I have to keep this ship afloat while he is away. 

Last week we finalized our potential selections for transfer season next year.  We are due to be tour complete in June but have asked to stay in Sitka for one more year.  Our list of options basically sucked.  There just really is no other way to describe it.  If we were looking for a home in Mobile, Alabama (ummm..no thank you) or perhaps Clearwater, Florida (ummm...hell no) or maybe even North Carolina (thanks but no thanks) we would have been all set but seeing as how we only want to leave Alaska for the Pacific Northwest or Traverse City, Michigan we opted to stay.  I am at peace with it because the kids are settled here and happy right now.  We have a great house and are relatively close to my parents and sisters family.  Trav is comfortable at work and enjoys all the hunting and fishing that Sitka offers him.  So we are hoping to push back the inevitable relocation just one year and take our chances at another list next fall.  Not to mention, my Trav has applied for Warrant Officer and will be also testing for Senior Chief so it makes sense to stay here until we know if he has promoted before moving yet again.  

So, with all that said, we are heading into my favorite time of year.  I love the holidays, always have.  Thanksgiving will be at our house with two other CG families that we have invited over.  My parents are joining us for Christmas this year too.  We have not been with family for the holidays since 2011 so it will be so nice to have mom and dad here.  I took a week off work around the Christmas holiday to spend with them.  I am looking forward baking cookies with my mom and Taylor, the smell and cinnamon and spice, Christmas music, cold walks on the trails with my dad and our fingers are all crossed for snow.  Trav and I also plan to head to a remote cabin just after the New Year to go hunting and get some time alone while my parents are here.  I definitely have plenty to look forward to.

With the impending holiday season comes the necessity of Christmas cards.  I love, love, love receiving Christmas cards and I love sending them.  I have sent out Christmas cards every year as long as Trav and I have been married.  For the past 9 years I have made a point to take a family picture and use it as the photo for our cards.  Back in Kodiak, they were candid and typically had Trav and I each holding one of our babies somewhere around our house.  In Cape Cod, my photography hobby expanded and I decided I would start dragging my little ones and husband out and force them to partake in a mini photo session until I got exactly what I wanted.  This means finding a good location, taking into account lighting, precipitation, wind and whatever else Mother Nature throws at me.  Finding complimenting outfits that do not clash or look stupid and trashy.  Lastly it required all family members to be willing to smile, listen and do what I ask.  Over the last 6 years, these mini sessions have become a time of dread, arguments, yelling, cussing and laughing.  Attempting to get my family to take a classic photo is not easy, especially when I am trying to be in the picture while also manage the camera settings and poses.  My son is the least photogenic person I know and by the end of the event we usually feel like this....

This year, with how busy and chaotic things are I told myself I was just going to have someone take our photos.  But...my family felt like I was breaking tradition.  How dare I let someone else take our pictures.  What about our fights, arguments and yelling.   So here is what we ended up with after two attempts at family photos.  

When I got home and viewed these pictures on my camera my heart was full.  My family is beautiful and in spite of all my current stress and emotional tries I have so much to be grateful and thankful for.  My life is gorgeous, these pictures prove it.  I am blessed beyond words.  

**As a side note, you should know it was a balmy 34 degrees during this photo op.  The walkway was covered in ice, the vegetation is frozen and the sun was setting at the late hour of 3:45pm.  We got the last bit of sunlight from this day.  This was my last chance at pictures for Christmas cards since Trav is leaving in the morning.  It was freezing cold!  These could be some of my favorite photos yet from all the years I have been doing this.