Of Christmas Pasts...

As another Christmas approaches I always tend to reflect on Christmas' of the past.  My children are getting older and as they grow and mature the dynamics of this holiday will change in our house.  I am always thankful for who my children currently are.  I feel like I am always glowing in their grandeur but I do not think I will ever stop missing those little baby faces who are imbedded in my mind.  I am so grateful that I was always so steadfast in taking pictures of them as babies, toddlers and little ones.  I reflect on my photos often.  I know that someday when they have families of their own, these pictures will be priceless.

A walk down Christmas memory lane....

Time sometimes feels like it goes by in a blink of an eye.  One minute I'm buying them hot wheels, legos, babies and princess dresses, the next they are asking for a new wardrobe, iphones and firearms.  

This year...

Lastly, my love!  Another year winds down and I just still find myself breathless in your presence. 

Cheers to you all...

I'm playing catch up again....

Well, November is over and it seems to have gone by in a flash.  Trav was gone most of that month and somehow I survived.  I managed to get all the kids to their activities, not forget anyone or to get them anywhere and I didn't even have to call in reinforcements.  

I did get a yearly physical which included a diagnosis of tendonitis in both hands and the onset of Carpal Tunnel in the right hand.  Interesting to say the least.  I have begun a regiment of Braggs Apple Cider vinegar, fish oil, vitamins, hand exercises , medicinal skin salve and much needed nightly sympathy to see me through the days.  Honestly I can tell a difference so I'm not sure if it is the Omega 3's or the fact that Trav is home to give me sympathy but something is working.  

Thanksgiving was a great success.  We had friends over and our turkey was awesome.  My Trav took over cooking the turkey 3 years ago and let me just say that between the stuffing with pears and apples, smoking with Alder chips for two hours and BBQing for an additional three hours the turkey reflects all of his TLC and attention to detail.  It was delicious!!  One of the best I have every had.  I felt great about the meal we presented to our friends and exhausted at the end of the night.  I would say that means the holiday was a success.  

I have all of my Christmas cards ready to send out and I am very close to being done with my shopping.  That is saying quite a bit for me considering I started extremely late and have only walked into two stores to buy gifts.   Most all of our gifts will be purchased online which makes shopping convenient, expedient and efficient.  Its is very weird to never set foot in a mall or a mega super store but then again I am not subjected to the greed of the holidays, the fight for cheaply made gifts from Taiwan or the frustration of overcrowded parking lots and stores.  I am content to stay home, click on our laptop , buy local when I can and get free shipping for all my goods.  I am against Black Friday shopping, typically have to work and just don't enjoy annoying crowds so holidays in remote Alaska seem to suit me yet again.  

The weather has been complete garbage.  Its been snowing, raining, snowy/raining and windy.  Not to mention the darkness.  I had to chuckle at a comment I saw on FB the other day.  A person in the lower 48 complained about the winter darkness in her location.  Honestly, my first thought was "Bitch Please" but then I reminded myself that everyone is entitle to their complaints.  We are currently enjoying a sunrise at 8:30am and a sunset at 3:15pm.  Not to mention that the sun never rises in the sky much past what would look like morning.  It is very dark, especially on the very gloomy days.  I have to remind myself that people in the lower 48 for the most part have no idea what real winter darkness is.  I have to be sympathetic to everyone, even those who complain about dark days when their days are not even really dark...really, not dark at all!!!

Anyways, last weekend after the holiday and a couple hours of my Trav and I laying on the couch taking a nap we forced the kids to take a walk with us.  We bundled up and headed to our local waterfall.  A favorite spot for me and Trav.  Its roughly an hour walk round trip.  It was snowing, cold and beautiful.  We talked, laughed and hoped that the Coast Guard would allows us one more year in this gorgeous place.  We are still waiting to hear.  I'm trying to be patient and at peace.  

I am also trying to prepare for a great Christmas and the fact that I have 9 days off in a row. I will say that again...9 days off in a row. I am giddy!! My parents will be here for the holiday and are bringing a prime rib as a carry on in the plane.  It's going to be wonderful. Until then,  I am getting my fill of Hallmark holiday movies, putting up yet another gorgeous, real tree, listening to beautiful holiday music and watching the anticipation of the holiday build on my children's faces. Taylor has a holiday recital next week and I plan to buy tickets for the all of us to attend a Christmas concert. Seriously this time of year reminds me to breath in slowly, reflect often, be happy and relish in the feeling of being content!!

                      

                                             

                                     

Before I go, a few random thoughts to put down on here for anyone out there who reads this.  In the coming weeks there will be some wonderfully uplifting, inspirational, all true stories turned movies hitting the theaters.  They are all based on book, books that my Trav and I have read.  Books that are phenomenal and worth reading before you pay to see the movie.  FYI a book is always 100 times better then the movie.  Here are my "books before movie" suggestions:

UnBroken: A true story of survival about an Olympic Runner/WWII POW.  This book is an amazing story. 

Written by an American Hero, Chris Kyle.  If you enjoy military history or just a good book about life, sacrifice and dedication.  Read this!

We picked this book up on a whim before our trip to Hawaii this past spring.  It is an awesome book!  A story about overcoming life's challenges.

If you not a reader, well I'm sorry.  My suggestion, put down the remote control, turn off the TV and pick up a good book.  I am not 100% that any of these movies will make it to the theatre up here, we only have on show play at a time and its hit or miss.  With that said, we rarely ever go to the show.  If these make it up here, my Trav and I will definitely be going.  We loved these books.  

Also...in one of my moms boxes of stuff she always sends up to us she randomly included a roll of burlap.  I had no idea what the hell she thought I would do with it and put if off to the side.  Fast forward to the other day as I was sitting in the living room, drinking coffee, staring at our Christmas tree that was already decorated.  I thought, why not try to use that burlap as garland.  I'll be damned, it turned out freaking awesome.  My mom must have some sort of special powers at the store.  Why have I never put up burlap garland before.  I am in love with my tree now.  I recommend you attempt burlap garland at some point on your tree.  It just might make you as happy as it makes me.  

Also, my boys have spent the weekend in Juneau at the Southeast Alaska Championships for competition swimming.  My little Travi went into beast mode over there.  He has made the final event in all of his swims, set best times in every swim event he participated in.  That kid amazes me.  He swims 5 days a week, waking up two days a week at 5:00am to swim before school.  He is a fish!!  I am so darn proud of him.  He works hard in the pool and his progress is really showing.  I have no pictures to show you of him, I am not there and Trav probably have just videos but I know Travi is on top of the world with how well he has competed over there.  I can hear it in his voice when he calls me.  

My Absence and Life...

Clearly I have been absent from the blog.  Life has been very overwhelming and there just are not enough hours in the day so when something has to give, the blog is one of those somethings.  

Working full time and my position at work has me emotionally drained to be quite honest.  I never anticipated the emotional exhaustion and empathy fatigue I would face day in and day out with each and every court case.  I never took into account the kind of information I would take in each day that I sit in court and listen to cases of domestic violence, sexual assault and physical abuse just to name a few.  I leave work some days so drained I feel like I barely have enough left in me to give quality time to my family.  I have worked for the court system for over two years, but when the courtroom door closes and you are not in there, you truly have no idea what is being said.  I have really been trying to compartmentalize the words, emotions and actions that happen in the courtroom.  I have really been working on keeping my own emotions in check and come home to enjoy my family and the beautiful things in my life that are so drastically different from the horribleness that the court deals with daily.  It is a work in progress but I am hoping that I can be better at not carrying with me all of the sadness that some in society have to deal with.  

And if I am going to be completely honest, I miss my former life when I was a part time stay at home mom and a part time court clerk.  I miss going to the grocery store on a quiet Tuesday afternoon. Clearly the weekends are when every other working mother battles the crowds and prays to god that all the milk hasn't been sold out during the week.   I miss having the drive and ambition to makes my children's lunch, I miss welcoming my man home with a cold beer and I miss my house being the clean, cozy sanctuary it always was.  Right now life just feels chaotic and crazy.  I sympathize with those moms who have always had to live the daily grind and never had the option to be at home with their babies.  I am missing my former self more and more and evaluating whether all the extra money is worth all the shit I feel like I am dredging through.  I contemplated hiring a housekeeper but to be honest, that just seems absurd for me.  I am not crazy about another person coming into my home, I am capable and she wouldn't fold the bath towels the way I want them anyways.  I pray daily that a laundry fairy is going to show up and wash the clothes so I don't have to but those little fairies are busy with the changing of the seasons or something more glamorous.  I have been meaning to make an appointment to get my yearly physical and have the tendentious in my hands looked at but seriously when does a gal have time when she is running out of work at 5pm to race to gymnastics to pick up my girl or to the pool to pick up my son and get home to cook dinner so we aren't eating at 7:30pm.  WTF is really going on here???  I mean really???  Thank god for wine, pajamas, warm hugs and the new music from Sam Smith!!  

The kids are very busy.  Travi is preparing for a trip to Juneau to compete in Southeast Championships the first week of December.  He is currently swimming 5 days a week and doing amazing in school.  His organizational skills are a work in progress but Trav and I are confident by the time he is 25 years old he will be able to get his shit together when it comes to order vs. chaos.  Maybe not, but somehow he manages to keep things moving forward with a little help from his mom and dad.

Taylor is about to wrap up her first session of gymnastics and to say she is doing well would be a huge understatement.  Her coach has approached us about moving her up quite a few levels where she will finally be challenged and learning more then just the basics.  We are anxious for her to really starting mastering her back handsprings and other moves.  She is so dedicated and I love watching her practice. She has finally found her "something' that she loves and is really, really good at.  

As for my Trav he is still just as amazing as always.  He leaves us in the morning for just about the rest of the month.  I loathe when he is not with me.  I have said many times on this blog that I am just half as good when he is away. He really is my rock.  I am never reminded of that more then when he is gone and I am here, alone and trying to tread water in his absence.  I am very nervous this time about him being gone because I rely on him so heavily to help me juggle the kids schedule while I am at work.  Not to mention every time he leaves, someone in my family dies (I'm not kidding), a kid gets head lice, I become ill, a car has mechanical failure, Mother Nature punishes us with weather or any combination of those.  So for anyone in my family, keep your head on a swivel, take your required medications and try not to leave your houses.  In all seriousness, Trav keeps me grounded and is such a positive ray of light when I need that at the end of a long day at work.  It will take everything I have to keep this ship afloat while he is away. 

Last week we finalized our potential selections for transfer season next year.  We are due to be tour complete in June but have asked to stay in Sitka for one more year.  Our list of options basically sucked.  There just really is no other way to describe it.  If we were looking for a home in Mobile, Alabama (ummm..no thank you) or perhaps Clearwater, Florida (ummm...hell no) or maybe even North Carolina (thanks but no thanks) we would have been all set but seeing as how we only want to leave Alaska for the Pacific Northwest or Traverse City, Michigan we opted to stay.  I am at peace with it because the kids are settled here and happy right now.  We have a great house and are relatively close to my parents and sisters family.  Trav is comfortable at work and enjoys all the hunting and fishing that Sitka offers him.  So we are hoping to push back the inevitable relocation just one year and take our chances at another list next fall.  Not to mention, my Trav has applied for Warrant Officer and will be also testing for Senior Chief so it makes sense to stay here until we know if he has promoted before moving yet again.  

So, with all that said, we are heading into my favorite time of year.  I love the holidays, always have.  Thanksgiving will be at our house with two other CG families that we have invited over.  My parents are joining us for Christmas this year too.  We have not been with family for the holidays since 2011 so it will be so nice to have mom and dad here.  I took a week off work around the Christmas holiday to spend with them.  I am looking forward baking cookies with my mom and Taylor, the smell and cinnamon and spice, Christmas music, cold walks on the trails with my dad and our fingers are all crossed for snow.  Trav and I also plan to head to a remote cabin just after the New Year to go hunting and get some time alone while my parents are here.  I definitely have plenty to look forward to.

With the impending holiday season comes the necessity of Christmas cards.  I love, love, love receiving Christmas cards and I love sending them.  I have sent out Christmas cards every year as long as Trav and I have been married.  For the past 9 years I have made a point to take a family picture and use it as the photo for our cards.  Back in Kodiak, they were candid and typically had Trav and I each holding one of our babies somewhere around our house.  In Cape Cod, my photography hobby expanded and I decided I would start dragging my little ones and husband out and force them to partake in a mini photo session until I got exactly what I wanted.  This means finding a good location, taking into account lighting, precipitation, wind and whatever else Mother Nature throws at me.  Finding complimenting outfits that do not clash or look stupid and trashy.  Lastly it required all family members to be willing to smile, listen and do what I ask.  Over the last 6 years, these mini sessions have become a time of dread, arguments, yelling, cussing and laughing.  Attempting to get my family to take a classic photo is not easy, especially when I am trying to be in the picture while also manage the camera settings and poses.  My son is the least photogenic person I know and by the end of the event we usually feel like this....

This year, with how busy and chaotic things are I told myself I was just going to have someone take our photos.  But...my family felt like I was breaking tradition.  How dare I let someone else take our pictures.  What about our fights, arguments and yelling.   So here is what we ended up with after two attempts at family photos.  

When I got home and viewed these pictures on my camera my heart was full.  My family is beautiful and in spite of all my current stress and emotional tries I have so much to be grateful and thankful for.  My life is gorgeous, these pictures prove it.  I am blessed beyond words.  

**As a side note, you should know it was a balmy 34 degrees during this photo op.  The walkway was covered in ice, the vegetation is frozen and the sun was setting at the late hour of 3:45pm.  We got the last bit of sunlight from this day.  This was my last chance at pictures for Christmas cards since Trav is leaving in the morning.  It was freezing cold!  These could be some of my favorite photos yet from all the years I have been doing this.  

The Truth....

About Lice!

The truth is lice sucks and it should be without a doubt used as cruel and unusual punishment for convicts on death row.

Let me back fill you on this saga...

In 2010 Taylor got lice from preschool.  It was a good month before I realized that her and I both had lice.  Needless to say, getting our house rid of the bugs was a long, tedious, arduous process that left me scarred for life.

Since that time I have been hypervigilant about lice prevention.  Random lice checks, using essential oils in shampoo, preventative sprays, keeping hair pulled up for school, no hugging friends, no hanging coats on hooks.  No room for excuses or lenancy!  Then I got lenient and backed off.

Fast forward to last Wednesday evening as I am brushing Taylors hair after a shower.  I happen to notice that something seems off about her hair, I drag her to the bathroom only to discover that in fact, she has lice.  Needless to say, I completely freaked out, dropped an F-bomb and started crying.  Trav was away on a work trip and I knew that if she had lice, so did I.  I had no one to check my hair which I can honestly say in very unsettling and frustrating.  That night began my 5 day battle in hell.

Aside from the 15 loads of laundry I would have to do, the steam cleaning of floors and furniture that would need to be done and the countless hours I would spend picking my daughters head like a mother monkey, I had to figure out what to do with my own hair.  So began our regiment of sleeping with our heads saturated in olive oil, waking up to wash our hair with dawn dish soap, drowning our hair in a mix of red vinegar and kosher salt, sitting for two hours, washing, drying and then comes the fun part of picking out bugs and eggs.  This went on for another 4 days.  She missed school, I missed work and I will admit that I did drop a few more F-bombs as the days progressed.

In the end I was able to declare Taylor and myself lice free this morning at 7:00am.  But here is the truth about lice...

~Over the counter treatments DO NOT work.  I learned this 4 years ago and did not even waste my time or money this go round.  I invested is EVOO, red vinegar, Kosher salt, cheap conditioner and a good amount of booze to calm my nerves.

~If you think your child will be lice free after one day, your just lying to yourself.  Do get false hopes and don't think you can pick once and be done.  IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

-Take all your child's favorite animals, babies, blankets and pillows. Bag them up in trash bags and remove them from your house completely.

~Wash all bedding, blankets, jackets and clothes on HOT.  Dry on HIGH HEAT.

~If possible, steam your furniture on high heat.  Heat and suffication are the only things that kill lice, aside from death by a vinegar drowning.

~Fight the urge to strangle your child.  They are innocent victims in all this chaos but it can be difficult to not threaten to shave their heads, banish them from your family or just want to slap them silly.

Even though these past 5 days have felt slightly overwhelming and traumatic my spirits were lifted by a dear friend sending me a box with two Yankee Candles.  If you read my blog you know that I have been on the hunt for candles to no avail.  She sent me two large jars of my favorite early fall scents.  When my Trav opened the box, as I was removing eggs and bugs from my daughter's head I felt such gratefulness.  Gratefullness that someone took the time to think of me, act on my behalf and send me something they knew I would love.   It always feels good to know you are loved.  Good friendships are such a blessing and my dear friend helped rejuvenate my soul with a US Postal Service flat rate box containing two wonderful candles.  You know who you are....thank you from the bottom of my heart!

**So as you can guess, no pictures with this post.  We barely left the house and mine and Taylors hair was balled up on our heads in a greasy mess smelling like sour vinegar.  There was nothing sweet or beautiful about the past handful of days.  There was no way I could have even staged my daughter or my house to fake like life was anything but greasy, gross, time consuming and all around unbecoming.

I'm...

I'm listening....

To the sounds of my children's voices driving me crazy!  Travi has been singing songs by artists that I hate ie. Nicki Minaj, old school DMX and whatever else pops up on his favorite pandora stations (Gas Pedal).  He can NOT carry a tune but still attempts to rap, sing and jam.  It is driving me nuts.  Taylor on the other hand does not has a voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard BUT she insists on annoyingly copying her brother or just yelling at him.  I reflect fondly to my hour long lunch each week day where I come home, eat lunch and sit in absolute silence in my house.  You see, even at night when my children sleep they are still talking.  It never ends!!!

I'm wearing...

I just told my Trav yesterday that my favorite part of the weekend is after all my chores are done and we have finished our runs.  We come home, shower and I slip into my coziest pants and most comfortable, warm top.  During the week, I walk in the door, kiss my family and walk straight upstairs to change out of my work clothes.  Work clothes consists of business casual wear.  I typically wear trouser pants, a dressy shirt or sweater and dress shoes or boots every day.  There is something so euphoric about getting out of the clothes that I wear through my daily grind and into the clothes that I wind down in.  I love GAP body shirts and pants.  If you haven't tried them and you are looking for something comfortable and not to overly priced, I highly recommend them. 

My to do list....

Does this list ever end?  Does it ever go away?  The answer is no...

During the week it consists of work, cooking dinner, making school and work lunches, activities, homework and cleaning up from the day.  On the weekends its consists of trying to run, laundry, deep cleaning my house, kid activities, grocery shopping and whatever else I can not get to during the week.   On my side list, I am closely watching airline ticket prices for when my parents come up in December, I am online shopping for a formal dress to wear to a Coast Guard function we will be attending next month and I am attempting to photograph the fall here in Sitka.  I am also beginning to ponder my Christmas shopping.  I know most probably think that is crazy but I have never been the type to wait until December to start shopping.  I am a huge planner and procrastination is devastating to my personality.  I am currently in the mental list mode but that will be transitioning shortly to the get down to business mode.  

I'm thinking about...

Lots!

How I can get the tension and knots in my shoulders and neck to subside.  They have been there for roughly a month and no matter how much heat I put on them, cream I rub on them or massages I get they just will not go away.  I usually wake up pain free but by mid day my shoulders are aching and by the time I get home I feel like they are on fire.  I need serious relief and I don't know what the hell to do.

The fact that my brother in law accepted a position in Washington and my sisters family will be moving there gradually over the next 8 months.  I honestly never thought they would leave the little town we all grew up in.  I can not even imagine them being anywhere else.  I am so excited for them and happy for them to start a new adventure.  Moving is nothing new for my family nor is time apart for me and Trav. For them, this is uncharted territory and I can imagine their anxiety, excitement and trepidation.  I know they are making a good, wise decision to the leave California and start new somewhere else.  I know my brother in law and sister were ready to make a change and I truly believe this is it!  

The fact that in one month our shopping list will be out for transfer season.  This is the first time in 15 years that I have not had the urge to participate and get the hell out of wherever we are.  I feel like I am getting older, wiser and more fearful of the changes that will be coming.  My children are older, their transitions will not be as easy and the life I have personally worked hard for, ie: my job, my relationships will be changing or ending.  I realize that this is my life, the life I choose to live but for the first time I have serious reservations about the changes that are coming.  I am desperately trying not to think about them and not focus on them until the list is staring me in the face but I know all to well the uncomfortableness and transition that awaits my family. 

The news that someone I love very, very much was standing at the door labeled Cancer again and was waiting to see what is on the other side.  This is not her first time battling this ugly disease but that does not mean that I am not frightened for her.  The last journey for her was emotional, exhausting and came with a very long road.  Most in our family knew this could happen but its been almost 13 years and I guess you just get used to the good news each year.  Now, this time there was something on the scans.  Its just not fair.  She has done everything right.  She didn't smoke, didn't drink and leads a healthy life.  Cancer is a bitch and I hate it!!  Luckily the mass was benign but I know that her family was scared.  Did I mention Cancer is a BITCH!

I'm thankful for...

An understanding husband who is my crutch all week long.  He lends his ear when I need to vent about anything and everything.  He offers me a unique perspective, typically vastly different from my own to help me be subjective.  He has stepped up in such a huge way to help me with the kids and all their activities.  He does all of this while still dealing with all his own professional challenges and trying to grasp at moments for himself.  He really is a badass!

A son who is truly coming in to his own.  Sixth grade was a successful year for my Travi but he was definitely in a transition.  This year I just see him truly shining.  He is driven and really changing.  His personality is maturing and so are his perspectives.  I really respect the young man his is striving to be. He is extremely involved in after school activities, enjoying his friendships and making great strides in all aspects of his life.  He still will not put his dirty clothes into the laundry basket or hang his wet towel up in the bathroom but my Trav and I keep having these mini conversations where we find ourselves in awe of the choices he is making, the funny personality he is expanding and the overall joy he brings to our lives.  He is just a really RAD kid and I find myself loving him in a way that feels almost respectful as the days pass.

The fact that my two boys can love each other so much not only as father and son but also as friends.  They enjoy each's others company, have a very honest, open relationship and share common interests.  As Travi gets older they can partake in more adventures and build their bond.


I Love it when...

I drive to work and see the fall foliage on the trees in town that will or are changing.  Most of the trees up here are Evergreen trees and will not be loosing their leaves.  The sporadic trees around town that are deciduous are shades of amber, gold, red and greens right now that just keep me smiling.  Fall here is not the most beautiful I have ever seen but I am grateful for the flecks of color that are popping up.

My house is uber clean and it smells good.  Enough said!

Walks with my family in the crisp, fall air during that "magic hour" just before and after sunset.  The setting sun permeates and the beauty on the trails here just leaves me breathless.


Coming up...

Travis will be setting the wheels in motion to attempt to promote again.  This does not serve us well on the "the next move will be our last" home front but realistically I knew this was inevitable.

As I mentioned my parents are coming up for the holidays.  We have been alone for Christmas the past 3 years so I am excited to have family be with us.

Taylor starts gymnastics soon, very soon!  She has been asking to take gymnastics for two years and it is finally being offered here in town.  I hope she loves it!


In pictures... 

The What's What...September Edition!

~Well its officially September.  We have no exciting Labor Day plans, no BBQ's to attend. Labor Day doesn't quite have the same nostalgic feel up here as it does in other places, like lets say Cape Cod.  Since its barely 55* outside and there is generally not a lack of some form of precipitation the urge to grill meat and drink beers while standing outside looking at each other is typically not there. Nonetheless, I am grateful for the extra day off of work and an extra day with my little brood.  

September is usually the month when I use my sweetest, most endearing voice to ask my Trav to pull down all my fall decoration totes so that I can make the house look like a festival was unleashed.  This year I am holding off just a bit in anticipation of some new fall decorations and crafts my mom is sending to me.  There is no place in town to purchase much in the way of fall like decor so I recruited my mom with the help of some pinterest pictures to let her know what I was going for.  I will be retiring anything that I have which might be scarecrow-ish and going with a more woodland, natural look.  

In my opinion since summer is long gone up here and that chill in the air which everyone else seems to be anticipating is already here, its a green light to let fall trickle into our lives.  It's definitely NOT too soon!  And, just in case you don't already know, fall is my absolute favorite time of year.  SE Alaska does not get gorgeous fall colors, we do not have rustic, covered bridges and there are no pumpkin patches and apple orchards to head to.  It just seems to show up.  One day your enjoying long summer days, and then just like that I can see my breath in the morning.  Either way, I love this time of year.  

~I have been receiving emails for 3 weeks about new fall fragrances that are available from Yankee Candle.  Included in the email are coupons for free shipping and great discounts.  I have shopped the website, filled my cart and headed to checkout only to be informed that free shipping does not apply to Alaska.  I am still trying  to justify in my mind paying $25 in shipping for candles.  I love that they offer buy 1 get 1 free deals but it is sort of moot when my shipping costs are equivalent to the total amount in my cart.  Its extremely frustrating.  There is a grocery store here in town that sells Yankee Candles but they are currently stocking "Whats on Tap" and "Mmmm Bacon".  Not at all what I want to smell in the evenings when the kids are doing homework, I am cooking dinner and enjoying a glass of wine.  So, for now I just keep enjoying the scratch and sniff magazine Yankee Candle sent to me.  I have not convinced myself I am desperate enough to pay the shipping costs.  I do agree that it is a bit to soon for the cinnamon and spice scented candles that should be burned in November and December but, if and when I do break down I will be going for these.  

~I have been trying to get better at coming home from work and still having the spunk and drive that my family needs and deserves out of me.  I do not thrive in chaos and my days feel very chaotic right now.  I love our active lives but I also yearn for comfortable, quiet evenings in which we listen to music, eat dinner, talk about our days and then all settle down to either watch a show together, take an evening stroll or just finish the requirements of the day.  I almost feel like I have anxiety if I do not get that time with my family.  I feel like it is good quality time that some day I will not get in the same regard.  My children will be gone some day thriving in their own lives and I do not want to reflect back on the  times I sat in the car shuttling them around while they complained, my stress level after a long day at work and then racing home to throw a half assed dinner down their mouths.  I know that some families enjoy and crave long nights at fields, dance classes or events while eating pizza or fast food. I don't judge at all but I personally do not love it or want it.  We do encourage our children to be active, actually we require it.  This fall my little Travi will be doing swim, cross country and flag football all at the same time BUT I still require that we eat a good dinner, sit down and talk about our days and have just a handful of moments that I can put into my memory bank.  So, having it all will require me to stay on top of my game on the homefront and not bring the stress of the day home and let it manifest into something ugly that gets projected onto my husband or kids.  That is honestly a challenge for me when I am tired and overwhelmed but I am making a conscience effort to be my best, so that they can be their best and I still get the little things out of our days that I feel like I need.  Does that make any sense???

~September is always a time that sends me into a place very personal and deep in my heart.  My beautiful grandfather celebrated his birthday in the month of September.  He and my stunning grandmother also shared an anniversary in September.  I make a point to always reflect on them during this time of year.  I had a very special, very personal, very intimate relationship with each of them as individuals and also as my grandparents as a whole.  They are both gone now but there is never a lacking of love for them.  When I ponder my life or take the time to reflect on memories I swear I can feel their gentle souls surround me and encompass me.  They were both two of the most monumentous people in my life and although I think of them always, this specfic month draws me near to them and it just feels like it is a time of personal celebration for me.  A celebration of their lives, my life with them and their love for each other and our family.  I miss them terrible but September has always brings me to a quiet place and time to let my relationship with them flourish even if they are no longer physically with me.

~Have you seen this movie?  Seriously, if you have not you should rent it.  It came out on Earth Day this past spring.  We were in Maui on vacation and it never came to our theatres here locally or we would have seen it already.  We have been waiting for it to come out on video and it finally did just a few days back.  We promptly rented it and can I just say the cinematography is amazing.  Not to mention these bears make their home in Alaska on the Katmai Peninsula which makes me feel like very distant kinderd spirits with them.  I highly recomnend it.  It is a great family movie and is actually very informative about the life cycles of Alaska and the life of bears.  Check it out, please!  You will not be disappointed.

Happy Fall!

Salmon Lake....

Our time to enjoy the outdoors with our current carefree sense is slowly inching away from us.  Soon we will be contending more with harsher weather and the darkness.  For now, we do not let even rain keep us inside.  We set out with our friends Tom and MaryJo in their boat to the back of Silver Bay.  From there, we paddled ourselves to shore and did a three mile hike to remote Salmon Lake.  We packed our gear on our backs, dawned our rain gear and I secretly hoped we would encounter a bear enjoying a salmon lunch.  We definitely got rained on and never encountered a bear feasting on lunch, although we did walk past plenty of scat and remnants of salmon that had been carried to the trail by bears.  We hiked all the way back to the lake and to the remote dry cabin built by the National Park Service.  All in all, it was a wonderful day.  We always feel so lucky to partake in days like this.  Days where we are outside, with friends, enjoying the wild.  The eagles and ravens called to make our presence known, watching salmon run remote rivers and streams, not seeing another soul, eating a lunch we packed in on our backs, down a trail that constantly required a "hoot" and a "yelp" to let the bears in the area know that we were sharing their space so that we did not happen to surprise them.  

This winter, I plan to hold on to days like this! The days when Alaska feels surreal and these days will pull me through the dark days when I question our sanity for even being here and loving this place.  

All seven of us in the group felt lucky to be together on MaryJo's last weekend in Sitka until winter.  We all bid her farewell with great memories of what feels like an epic summer.  We will miss her until her return in November.  

Gunalchéesh

Native Tlinqit word for Thankful