Remember November

November is a very unique month for me.  It kicks off the holiday season which I love.  Thanksgiving, colder weather, holiday movies, etc.  Also, it is a time for me to spend remembering.  November is always a month that takes me back to my childhood.  I spend most of the first two weeks of this month remember days gone by, precious memories and dealing with mixed emotions.  As I have recollect on this blog many times, November is the month that my beloved grandfather, my Papa passed away.  He was one of the most magnificent human beings I have ever known in my life.  As a young girl I split my time between my own home with my parents and my grandparents home.  Their house was home too.  I watched him drink coffee, we chopped and stacked wood, we stole his chair and we snagged the remote to the TV when he doozed off.  We went camping, we listened to country music and we had sleepovers.

As I grew older my relationship with my Papa just matured and grew.  He was still the same man I viewed as a superhero but by now I soaked up our conversations much more and his stature became something other then the man who swung me around the living room to country music and who I loved to watch chop wood.  He talked to me, truly talked to me about his life, his beliefs, his thoughts.  I started to see more then just his physicality but more so who he really.  He was a beautiful person with a deep soul.

By the time my Papa passed away in November of 2007 I had my own family.  My babies, Trav and I lived 4000 miles from him.  Papa and I still talked.  He loved my family, he loved me and I never doubted that.  In his final days, as he grew more ready to leave this life behind I sat by his bed side, just he and I and I told him everything that I didn't want to leave hanging.  I had never witnessed death, let alone the death of a man I loved so deeply.  His death was tragic but beautiful.  I made sure he know that he was very special to me.  He was not just anyone, he was my very special someone.

As the years passed since my Papa died, November is the month that I mourn the loss of him but I also spend quite a bit of my personal time remembering our talks, his smell, his voice.  I talk to the kids about him and we toast to him at dinner.  His death still hurts.   Not in the same way it did in the days right after he left us but it hurts.  I miss him.  I cry, I weep, my heart just hurts a lot in November.  Usually it is in private and it is quiet but November hurts.  November is also beautiful.  November is the last time I laid my eyes on him, held his hand, whispered in his ear.  It was the last time he spoke to me.  As we all watched him slip away to his family in heaven I knew my life would be different and that this time of year would never be the same for me.

November is special...it jump starts the holidays, gives me the warm and fuzzy feelings of the season and its the month I celebrate not only my Papa's life but my life with him.  I hope that everyone has someone in their life that means so much.   If you do, relish it.  Absorb it.  Take it all in.  Its absolutely worth it.

Papa, I love you!  Always~